Hello people! I am once again sorry for the abandonment. Blame it on the exams...have been studying my butt off. Trust me, if money grew on trees, I would dedicate my entire time to sharing my musings with you all. But I thought I'd take a break from the studying to chill with you guys....
Q came to spend a weekend with me at school...He booked a hotel nearby where he would stay. It was interesting. I was worried it was a bit early to do this but I figured it would probably be a good idea to uncover whatever skeletons he has before I get involved. It was very chilled...hes very affectionate, mature etc so when he asked me to come see him at his home I thought what the hell...maybe I'll know more about him when I see him in his element. So I went. Beforehand, I had stressed that he would have to sleep on the couch because I wasn't ready to share a bed with him just yet.
Upon arriving at his apartment, I met his three flatmates who were friendly. so we watched a few movies...watched funny vids on youtube and then we both started pretending to study. fifty minutes into the pretence, we started talking about religion and I was really surprised when he admitted that he felt religion was "bullshit". His argument is that there is alot of politics (and corruption) amongst religious leaders. Now I'm not even gona lie and try to make out like I'm some kind of mother teresa or something but I agreed that there may be too much "politics" and shit in the religious world but, ultimately, I believe in the faith and the teachings behind christianity. etc...It escalated into a heated debate as he started showing me videos on youtube showing strong links between biblical stories/teachings and older pagan traditions.
I can't remember how it started now but I think th
e intensity of the argument made us a bit hot and bothered and soon enough we ended up seriously making out on his bed. As we were kissing, I felt his hands purposefully moving up my dress and promptly moved his hands away. When he realised he wasn't getting any nookie that way...He started telling me that I was a good kisser and that I have nice lips..how soft i am etc...I won't lie I was v turned on but I told him I wasn't "ready". Anyways after some unsuccessful gropes and ish he stopped and said "babes don't worry, I'm your man now...I'm not goin to hurt you. I won't think any less of you. I know you're a good girl already."
I was almost persuaded. But I stuck to my ground and gave him some speech about how I didn't wanna rush and stuff...so we stuck to just making out. However, I did compromise and did not make him sleep on the couch that night.lol.
Now I'm treading on very sensitive ground right now but on my way back to school, I started to think...why exactly did I not sleep with him? I mean at first I came up with generic answers such as: "I don't sleep around like that" "I have morals" "I need to wait to make sure he's for real" "You can't just give it up just like that" "He won't respect me" "Im so much better than that" etc
But when I thought really hard and decided to be real about why I didn't...it all boiled down to one thing: FEAR...fear of what my friends would think...fear of what he would think...fear that if I did give him my body, he may leave me and I'd end up feeling stupid and used. That was it: fear. Don't get me wrong, I do respect morals and all but I just didn't do it because I care too much about not being "that girl" who sleeps with a guy after only a month. I'm not loose or anything but I am 99% sure he is a good guy who genuinely
wants to be in a long-term relationship with me so its worrying that my wanting to maintain a good image was the only reason for not having sex with Q. I'll admit, the next morning, I was glad I didn't because it would have been rather early. I like him and dont wanna spoil things by rushing but in the heat of the moment it was just fear that stopped me...
I wanted to know if anyone feels the same or has similar thoughts on this. Have fun with it guys. I am open to all views and I am v sure I will get comments on the value of abstinence...or maybe not (who knows) but we'll see. It's just my honest opinion. Have fun with it guys. I love and miss you BT!
Truffle hugs and cherry kisses